Presently experimenting with a new solution e.g.

      (but maybe I will (: )

i.e. an australian smiley thus (: in combination with an ordinary bracket thus )

This solution is currently being tested on animals and I hope to gain permission to run some small-scale human trials in the near future.

Pie on toast

Ingredients:

Small tin of meat pie filling e.g. a tin of minced beef or lasagne filling
Bread
Margarine

Preparation:

Empty the pie filling into a bowl and microwave for 4 minutes, meanwhile toast and butter the bread. Once the pie filling is heated up, empty it on the toast and spread it evenly over the full surface. Cut up and consume. Makes a nice alternative to beans on toast.

Washing up requirement: 1 bowl, 1 plate, 1 knife
Preparation time: 5 minutes
 

Yes, it's shocking and it's true. I leave a packet of opened chewing gum on my desk over night, and in the morning there is an odd number of pieces and I *always* chew two pieces at once. This means someone, or something, is sneaking in and nicking my gum and it's annoying me because its always leaving me with one piece at the end of the packet when I want two pieces. Grrrr.

I think I'll have to rig up some sort of camera/trip system to catch the culprit. Or start locking my chewing gum up with my laptop in the evenings.

Yes, this really is how exciting my life is. How about you?

I finished my 50K NaNoWriMo challenge at the weekend AND stitched this together to produce my first complete novel for many years thus....I'm back! I can do stuff other than sit at my laptop all evening or waking up in the middle of the night scribbling frantic notes. And this clears my mind to think about important matters again like....what is the correct way to use a smiley in brackets i.e. should it be:-

:)) - which I thought was a double-chiney    or..

:) )   or worst still, should you not close the brackets at all i.e.

(or so I think :)   ...urgh no, that feels so wrong.

I've not managed to find a definite guide on this but someone else on the net is having similar problems to me. If you can find me a definitive style guide for the use of a smiley with a parenthesis in business and social emails, I would be most grateful.

Anyway, its nice to be back. There is life after novel writing.

Another fun little movie.

http://www.otherpower.com/hamster.html

Wierd. I think I'm tired. I was walking in the park today and freaked myself by thinking I could see myself walking down the path in the other direction. She looked just like me when I sometimes wear headscarves, same jeans, same sort of coat I go for etc. and the oddest thing was that mind was prepared to accept that even though I was there in my head occupying my space, that it was perfectly reasonable that it was also me coming in the opposite direction like I'd got it wrong somehow and put the wrong body on when I got up.

Of course this is what happens when you kill people and assume their identities. If I'd have known what a dull life this Elly character led beforehand though, I really wouldn't have bothered...

The Cheese Sandwich for when you don't have any clean plates or cutlery

Ingredients:

Bread
Cheese
Margarine

Preparation:

Open tub of margarine. Take your first slice of bread and rub it against the surface of the margarine until you get good even coverage of margarine over one side. Take cheese. Tear wrapping apart with your teeth. Break off a 1-2inch chunk of cheese and wrap in the slice of bread. Eat like a sausage roll. Repeat with second slice of bread.

Washing up requirement: None
Preparation time: <5 minutes
 

Taking a small pause from my NaNoWriMo torture (by taking a quote from www.snopes.com)...

Common Myth: Coca-Cola's initial transliteration of their name into Chinese translated as "bite the wax tadpole."

Truth: When Coca-Cola first entered the Chinese market in 1928, they had no official representation of their name in Mandarin. They needed to find four Chinese characters whose pronunciations approximated the sounds "ko-ka-ko-la" without producing a nonsensical or adverse meaning when strung together as a written phrase. While Coca-Cola was searching for a satisfactory combination of symbols to represent their name, Chinese shopkeepers created signs that combined characters whose pronunciations formed the string "ko-ka-ko-la," but they did so with no regard for the meanings of the written phrases they formed in doing so. The character for wax, pronounced "la," was used in many of these signs, resulting in strings that sounded like "ko-ka-ko-la" when pronounced but conveyed nonsensical meanings such as "female horse fastened with wax," "wax-flattened mare," or "bite the wax tadpole" when read.

Coca-Cola had to avoid using many of the 200 symbols available for forming "ko-ka-ko-la" because of their meanings, including all of the characters pronounced "la." (wax). They eventually opting for the character lê, meaning "joy," and approximately pronounced as "ler." The transliteration of the name 'Coca-Cola' they finally settled on was K'o (To permit, be able, can), K'ou (Mouth, hole, pass, harbour), K'o (as K'ou), Lê (Joy, to rejoice, to laugh, to be happy).

This representation literally translated as "to allow the mouth to be able to rejoice," but it acceptably represented the concept of "something palatable from which one receives pleasure." It was the real thing, with no wax tadpoles or female horses, and Coca-Cola registered it as its Chinese trademark in 1928.

So there you go. But there is a drink called Sweat and a brand of sweets called "Bum Bum Bananas"

Quite a lengthy one this one. I think I had uncovered some sort of grand murder plot. An old man had mysteriously died and I somehow linked this to an owner of a shop via someone who would gain inheritance by the man dying and thereon to a whole bunch of people in cafes everywhere bumping people off - this was big man, and apparently I was next. I explained this some people, perhaps undercover cops, and we went over to said cafe to take a look.

Turns out the cafe is all seedy and cheap with worn flaking wallpaper and no actual food, it just sells ganja to stoned rastafarians and plays loud music. Me and my cop partner have to play along and somehow we end up in this commune for people who have hit rock bottom and hid here smoking weed all day to forget it. We join as new initiates and have to sit around pretending we're stoned - my partner isn't too good at it but I fool everyone and people keep coming up and wiping powder on my arm. The powder must be incredibly precious to them cos on one case this guy came up and literally turn his combat trousers pocket inside out and was scraping at the seams to get just a little bit of powder to rub on me. I guessed it was drugs but thankfully it didn't affect me.

I got talking to this guy who explained that he had really hit rock bottom when he came here and started raping people (then looked at me with a look I really didn't like so I backed off), then I wandered the grounds first making a circular pattern in the ground with my toe with another bunch of stoned people, then walking down to a lakeside shoreline where I recognised a woman I used to work with 10yrs ago and she was dressed as though she was just stopping by after work to feed the ducks rather than a member of the commune.

The woman I had been walking with looks very nervous that there is an outsider in their midst and I have to offer to hold her hand to walk her past this person. This meant I had to put down two wine bottles (one red and one white) and alcohol was strictly prohibited in this commune so I was gutted as I wanted to hang onto them.

Then I woke up, so I guess I'll never hunt down the killer...

This lunch time I did my turn around the park as usual, and just as I was approaching the bridge over the road I saw a guy squatting down at the side of the path, and an girl kneeling down next to him. I wondered if he was one of the mentally disabled who are sometimes walked around the park by carers at lunchtime perhaps refusing to go over the bridge for some reason. I wondered if he was a runner who was knackered (didn't seem likely considering the way the pair was dressed). I even wondered if they were gathering brambles at the side of the path as some people did, but you don't generally squat to do that sort of thing. I walked on, puzzled, and did my full circuit of the path before coming back along the same bridge.

There the couple were again, this time standing up and it was very clear that he was upset and tearful and she had her arms folded defensively and was looking angry. They were breaking up, that much was certain. They must have decided to go for a walk at lunch to discuss a few things in private, and it had all come to a head. They probably worked together - he was dressed in tracksuit and baseball cap and she in quite a smart outfit so perhaps she worked in the office of one of the big haulage companys around the place, and he was a mechanic or driver. I wondered whether they would go back to work after the argument was ended and try to pretend nothing had happened, or stick it out until they had made up. And why had he been squatting down before - had she dropped a bombshell so bad that he had sank to his knees? Perhaps she was having an affair.

It's a funny old business isn't it - all these little dramas going on everywhere around you every second of the day. Humankind is an amazing mechanism.

Well this year I 'did' Bonfire Night at the Trafford Centre. It was a real surgical strike - drive over with 10 mins to spare, park up, find a position, watch fireworks, go home again. No faffing around and no lingering. Just the sort of operation I was in the mood for (as I really wanted to be home working on my novel you see).

It was a good do too, and an excellent opportunity for people watching. I got stood behind Bernard, Beryl, Shelia and Darren. Most of the crew were 50 somethings, Bernard clearly being Beryl's husband and Shelia perhaps her sister - Beryl was the one doing all the talking. Darren was a huge 7 foot tall 20 something bloke, built like the proverbial brick shit house though he must have had learning difficulties because Beryl kept tapping him on the shoulder and asking him simple questions like "can you see the tree Darren" or "look at the man in the bright yellow coat Darren" etc. Darren seemed pretty content though and gave her a big grin each time she asked him something, bless his heart. I think he was just looking forward to the fireworks, his needs were pretty simple.

After we had been stood around for a while, I thought I felt someone nicking something out of my back pocket and turned round sharply, ready to start screaming and hitting people, only to discover a waist high kid trying to move through the crowd. I let her through, and then Beryl turned round and latched onto her like an aged velocorapter - a very grandchild starved woman. Shelia joined in with the cooing but she was clearly only the sidekick.

"Oooh what's your name little girl" Beryl asked gleefully and lifted the girl onto the railing in front of her so she could see. The kid lisped her name and pointed out her Mummy way over at the back of the crowd, then started calling her sister over so she could be lifted up in front of Beryl as well. This is exactly what Beryl did...and seconds later another couple of kids caught on that there was a sucker up front and they pushed through and introduced themselves as well. Soon there was a fleet of them of various ages from 5 to about 8 and that's when Beryl went round asking each kid their name, and introducing everyone that was with her to the kids - hence why I know she was called Beryl.

Elle (yup..Elle, she spelt it) was the eldest and most precocious kid in the group. Once she had got into prime position, she flagged down a patroling safety officer on the other side of the railings and started asking them when the fireworks were going to start. The safety officer was a kid person, so she started making all the kids in the clump guess how many fireworks were going to be set off and she got every guess under the sun from '5' up to 'a squillion' before she eventually said 'no its three thousand, five hundred and twenty five fireworks - can you remember that? Three thousand, five hundred and twenty five fireworks and she got all the kids chanting it before wandering off.

Darren's attention had drifted by this point, and he was looking far up at the sky at something. Beryl didn't care about that though, she batted him on the shoulder and rudely brought him out of his reverie.

"Darren?" she started to say slowly and loudly, "Can you remember this number? Three thousand, five hundred and twenty five fireworks - that's how many fireworks are going to be set off Darren - Three thousand, five hundred and twenty five!". As she said the number, all the kids clustered around her quietly started repeated the mantra to themselves - "Three thousand, five hundred and twenty five fireworks", and all congratulated themselves at remembering it. Darren wasn't so on the ball though even though he was concentrating hard. He looked a bit confused, thought about things for a second, then eventually said "five, five thousand...twenty an'...thirty three". Beryl shook her head patiently and started again.

Beryl: "No Darren, try again Three thousand"
Darren: "three thousand" (all the children: "three thousand")
Beryl: "Five hundred"
Darren: "Five hundred" (all the children: "Five hundred")
Beryl: "and twenty five"
Darren: "Twenty five" (all the children: "and twenty five")
Beryl: "So what's that make Darren?"
Darren: <pauses to think for a moment then answers triumphantly> "five thousand, twenty and thirty three"

Beryl gave up after that, and soon afterwards all the lights dimmed and the announcer came on the loudspeaker. She gave the usual spiel about it being a great to be here and was everyone having fun. And then she said "And do you know how many fireworks are going to be let off tonight...?". All the kids suddenly started jumping about and Darren grinned excitedly at Beryl. The announcer paused for a second then grandly announced

"Three thousand...five hundred...and fifty four!!!".

Bernard, who had remained silent all evening so far, suddenly snorted and burst out laughing and got an evil look from Beryl. She wasn't to be defeated though. She batted poor Darren around the head again and took a deep breath.

"Did you hear that Darren" she said, all the kids looking up at her "that number I told you before - they got it wrong. Are you ready for this Darren, its actually three thousand....[Darren: "Three thousand"] five hundred [Darren: "Five hundred"] ...and,"

- I couldn't stand to listen to the rest and had to walk off. It was a damn good display though. I lost count of 'em around the 1500 level....

Was going to post my own recipe but this is a much finer one

http://www.dooyoo.co.uk/recipes/starters/364765/

(albeit it does take a whopping 15 minutes to prepare with lots of washing up)

Fake meatball panini

Ingredients

1 tin of Princes Meatballs in tomato sauce
2 slices of bread (full size square white toaster bread is best)

Instructions

Empty the meatballs into a bowl and stick in the microwave for 4 minutes. Meanwhile, place the two slices of bread in the toaster and toast to your own particular preference, then butter. When the toast and meatballs are finished, put one slice of toast on a plate, spoon the contents of the bowl over the bread, then place the other slice of toast on top. Press down gently and slice in half. Serve with coffee. Makes a good quick lunch and saves  you an irksome trip down to StarBucks + £7.

Variations:- If you have cheese, you can always grate and sprinkle some on top of the meatballs before layering on the second slice of bread. For a healthy alternative, don't bother buttering the bread, don't add any sugar to your coffee, and eat standing up.

Prepartion time:- 4-6 minutes
Washing up requirement:- 1 bowl, 1 plate, 1 knife

Soup and Veg

Ingredients

One tin of soup
One bag of chopped cabbage/leek
One bag of peas

Instructions

Empty veg and peas into a bowl, cover top with a plate and microwave for 4 minutes. Meanwhile, empty the tin of soup into a pan and gently warm on the hob. When the veg is ready, tip it into the pan with the soup (or...if you prefer...empty the soup into the bowl with the veg). Serve with bread and butter, or cold spuds if any are left over from previous meals.

Preparation Time:- 4-7 minutes
Washing up required:- 1 bowl, 1 pan. Make sure you stir the soup with the spoon you intend to eat with.

I'm feeling very serene today. Perhaps its because I've had a nice quiet day and plenty of sleep. Perhaps its because it's perfect weather for bonfire night, and that tang of cordite in the air always puts a grin on my face. Perhaps its because I have started writing again (its NaNoWriMo month, yippee!).

Yeah, as you may be able to see from the little thingie in the top left, its day 4 and I'm 5,000+ into the 'novel in a month' exercise. It's not my first time, I've written a couple of other pants novels via NaNoWriMo already but this year I'm cheating a bit in order to actually *finish* a novel. Instead of starting from 0 and trying to achieve 50,000 words by Nov 30th, I have took an existing half written 63,000 word novel and I have to write a further 50,000 by Nov 30th (which is strictly prohibited by NaNoWriMo but hey, I could just cut and paste large swathes of War and Peace into a document and claim I got to the golden figure at the end so this isn't about cheating the system, but using this month to kick start  your writing projects and this one sorely needed kick starting). Thus my algorhythm for calculating my progress was going to be:-

present_wordcount - 63,000 = nanowrimo_total

... This is actually turning out to not be as straightforward as I had hoped though. I haven't been able to resist revisiting old material and the first 5 days has been spent beefing up the early chapters of my book. Thus, I've had to adapt my calculations a little bit and my new algorhythm for calculating progress is

present_wordcount - amountOfwordsAttheSamePlaceIntheOldNovel = nanowrimo_total

I can't see any flaws in this algorhythm and its coming out with totals that are more or less the same as everyone else, plus progressing at the same sort of speed, so that's ok. Now I know I am suffering the appropriate amount as everyone else - well actually I'm not suffering at all at the moment, I adore spending hours writing. The real challenge will come on Monday morning when I have to fit a couple of hours writing into a day that already has 10 hours of work and 2 hours of gym shoehorned into it. Oh and a couple of cans of beer.

So why the hell am I doing it? Hell I don't know. Perhaps just for the hope that if I can somehow learn to fit a bit of writing into my average day, then maybe one day soon I'll produce something that will actually be worth reading, not for fame or money, but just as a lasting testimony that 'I was alive, I existed'. That's all I want really, just that.

....Hey...I like that....maybe I can fit that into my novel somehow...excuse me, I have to go...

It's Friday, 7:30pm, and according to my blog I was abducted by aliens around Monday morning and only returned just now - just in time to open a bottle of cheap wine, unbuckle my belt, and fold myself into the cushions of my sofa to watch some really really terrible (or intellectual) films before falling into an alcohol induced coma around 1am.

Business as usual then...though after I checked my watch and the date following this latest abduction and realised that not only had I'd lost yet another week of my life somehow....but it was also November, Nanowrimo had kicked in, and I was already 6000 words behind. Crap. Well at least I know what I'm going to be doing tomorrow and it would have only been shed erection or mooching around Garden centres intimidating little old ladies otherwise. Wonder what's on telly?